A toon for you today. Remnants of what I did to pass time during two hours of presentations. *sigh*

Naming Animals

So, for Easter my mom included little miniature stuffed animals in Joel and I's baskets. They looked really cute nestled between a giant chocolate bunny and a cornucopia of colorful jellybeans: Joel's little puppy and my little piggie, both with bunny ears. Joel insists they have identity issues, but I just think they're being festive. Isn't that kind of the crux of our relationship? Joel's more realistic and I'm more optimistic and clearly these tiny one dollar animals represent that in a deep, metaphorical sense. Anyway it turns out we ran into some serious issues when trying to name the little buggers. At first I wanted to have pairs names, since they clearly belong together, but Joel wasn't providing any useful suggestions. Here's what I got out of him: Pink and Stink, Hall and Oates, Boob and Lube, Dog and Pig.

Finally we decided we'd be better off divorcing our naming responsibilities and he named the dog, I the pig. He settled on Fart and then Boof, and even though he's technically changed his mind two dozen or so times since Boof I've made him stick with it. I chose Juan Ponce de Leon because I thought it was ironic and funny, but Joel wasn't amused and insists on calling him Juan Ponchomalon. We literally translated Juan's name into John Wants DeLeon's (don't we all right around 1 a.m.?)

Anyway, I thought I'd share the first family photos we have of Boof and Juan (Joel occassionally calls him Bacos). At first the photo session was peaceful, but then Punch our miniature gorilla (which was also a gift from my mother) rudely interrupted.

Pants

The other day Joel put on six pairs of pants.

A huge part of me wondered why in the hell he wanted to do this, but then I remembered that once, Joel drove for forty-five minutes with his windshield wipers on, no rain, just because it annoyed me.

At first I was a little weirded out, as normal people usually allow their pants to fly solo (or at least partner up with a nice pair of underpants), but then I realized he was actually sporting some very fashionable cankles. I took real photos, but I thought my personal pictoral rendition would be more fitting, as it is as ridiculous as the situation was.

The Not Actually All That Late Show with West Dirkerman

HOST: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome again to the Not Actually All That Late Show, with your host Dirk Westerman. OrWest Dirkerman. I was up too late snorting coke off my favorite hooker to be able to read the damn teleprompter. Ah. West. Thats it. Thats my name. Anyway, we've got a really great show lined up for you guys tonight, don't we Tony.

TONY: (Tony is the trombone player for the Not Actually All That Late Shows in-studio band, Tony and the Weasel Eaters.) We sure do, West.

HOST: Thanks, Tony. You know, I sure do appreciate you on this show, Tony. Without you, I wouldn't have anyone to inevitably agree with everything I say, regardless of what it is. Isn't that right, Tony?

TONY: Sure is, West.

HOST: I mean, I could tell you and our viewing audience that I've decided that feeding babies to puppies is actually a pretty neat idea, and you'd be all gung-ho about it, wouldn't you Tony?

TONY: You betcha, West.

HOST: Well, tonight's guest has been making headlines recently, Lance Bass will be with us today to talk about his big news.

TONY: He's a cyborg?
HOST: No, Tony. It was discovered that Justin Timberlake is a cyborg. Don't speak unless spoken to.

TONY: Sure thing, West.

HOST: So lets bring him out, ladies and gentlemen, Lance Bass!

LANCE: (emerges from behind a curtain stage left) Hi...hello...good to be here

HOST: So Lance, let's talk about this. Word on the street is you are, in fact, a homosexual.

LANCE: That is correct, Dirk.

HOST: West.

LANCE: Whatever.HOST: This is a pretty bold career move, Lance. I mean, some stars whose careers are waning star in reality shows, or write autobiographies, or do nudie magazines. You, however, decided to be gay.LANCE: Well, this wasn't really a career move, Dirk.

HOST: West.

LANCE: Whatever. I mean, I've known for years. I think I've always known. But when you're in an internationally known boy band, you have an image to protect. I had millions of girls out there who wanted a piece of this--I had to do what was best for the band.

HOST: Yes, because clearly N'SYNC was a lasting career choice.

LANCE: Fuck off, West.
HOST: Dirk.

LANCE: Whatever. So now, I'm in a great relationship and feeling really good about my decision.

HOST: Yes, I'd heard about that. Youre seeing a reality show star?

LANCE: Oh, yes. He won season four of The Amazing Race.

HOST: Whats his name?

LANCE: The guy that won season four of The Amazing Race.

HOST: Right. Well, let's talk about this new album you guys have coming out. It is the band, right?

LANCE: Yea, there's not much of a market for solo bass singers after Barry White. So, N'SYNC went back in the studio and we've put out what we think is a really great album. It was tough, getting us all together again. You could sense the tension in the studio sometimes, especially when Justin would bring in his entire former-NFL-quarterbacks entourage. The rest of us had been dropped off by our moms, so we were kind of bitter. But I mean, Justin didn't almost go to space, did he? Nope! That was all me! Score one for the Lance-man! Heh. Heheh.

HOST: I can imagine. Well, the new album is called Recycled Pop Crap, and I hear you've got your own song on it?

LANCE: Thats right. The guys were really gracious about letting me put on a song I'd written about my coming out. Its just one of those songs that came to me, almost like a vision. I think the words are really powerful.

HOST: And youre going to perform it for us, right?

LANCE: Sure, I can do that.

HOST: Well here he is, Lance Bass with his new hit single off N'SYNCs Recycled Pop Crap album, "I'd Love You Baby, But Youre Not a Dude"

(Lance takes a seat on a lone stool in the middle of a darkened stage)

Oooh. Oooh yea.
Wooooah. Wooooah yea.
Baby baby, you know you mean the world to me
When I look at you, you're the only one I see
But baby baby, the two of us can never be
Cuz honey honey, you don't have the parts I need
Oh, Id love you baby, but you're not a dude
I know its harsh babe, and I don't want to be rude
But sugar sugar, I just don't swing that waaaaay
I'm not into you, cuz...woah cuz...I'm definitely attracted to men

Ooooh. Oooh yea.
Woooooah. Wooooah yea.
Oh my darlin', I know that its hard
You might think I'm just tryin' to play the gay card
But I swear it, you know that its true
I'll go shoppin' with you any day...but I just don't love you.
Oh, I'd love you baby, but you're not a dude
I know its harsh babe, and I don't want to be rude
But sugar sugar, I just don't swing that waaaaay
I'm not into you, cuz....woah cuz...WOOOAH CUZ...I'm definitely attracted to men

HOST: I'm impressed. How long did it take you to write that song, Lance?

LANCE: Oh, five...maybe six minutes.

HOST: That long, huh? Well I think its time we bring out our second guest, a sheep.
(a sheep emerges from behind a curtain stage left)

SHEEP: Thanks for having me, West.

LANCE: What? A sheep? What in the hell are you interviewing a sheep for?

HOST: Well this particular sheep just so happens to regularly shear its wool.

SHEEP: Thats true, West. Once or twice a year, Farmer Brown comes along and bzzzzzt! Takes it right off.

HOST: Riveting. Wouldnt you agree, Tony?

TONY: I certainly was riveted, West.

LANCE: This is stupid, West. A sheep that gets its wool sheared? Thats so predicable!

HOST: Yea? And youre a boy band member who just came out of the closet. Think about it.

LANCE: Ah, yes. Well that's very clever.

HOST: Our Nielsen family audiences tested highly with irony and sheep jokes.

SHEEP: I'd just like to say, you're looking very trim these days West.

WEST: Yes, I've been on the South Beach diet for about two weeks now, and I'm really feeling the results. I also think the years of drug addiction might have something to do with it.

SHEEP: The sunken eyes give you an emo look thats very in right now.

WEST: I like to stay hip, Sheep. Well on tonight's show weve got a new segment for you all, its called What the Person Next to Me Says When I Poke Them
(cue segment theme music)

What! What what! What what what!
OOOOH!!
What the person next to me says when I poke them!
(wailing guitar ending)

HOST: Let's take this one out to the audience. Yes, what's your name?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ah! Heh. Hi! My names Steve.

HOST: So Steve, the person next to you says something pretty funny when you poke them?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yea, its pretty funny West.HOST: Well let's hear it.
(Steve pokes the guy next to him)

GUY: Dude, quit poking me.
(audience laughter)

HOST: hah...hahahahah...Oh man, that is a good one. Who do we have next? (West wanders around the audience) Yes? What's your name?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Hey! My name is Tiffany and I just want to tell you that I LOVE this show!

HOST: Thanks, Tiffany. So do I. So, what does the person next to you say when you poke them?
(Tiffany pokes girl next to her)

GIRL: Ow, that like, hurt.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Hehe! If I do it hard enough, sometimes she'll cry!

HOST: Love it, love it. Well, I think thats about all the time we have for our show tonight.
Tony, come over here and give a little bow...you were just great tonight, just great.

TONY: I sure would, West, but you keep me shackled to my music stand.

HOST: Right, right. Forgot about that. But before we go, I gotta ask, Lance. Could you talk in a lisp? Just once?

LANCE: Well, I think its a common misconception that all gay men have lisps. Its simply not true.

HOST: Damn. But you do all own the complete Sex and the City box set, right?

LANCE: Well, yes. That one is true. I think its a law or something.

HOST: Funny stuff. Like I always say, you can't pass Go without buying a hotel.

LANCE: What?

HOST: Goodnight, everybody.

to blog or not to blog

I don't like wearing dresses. I don't like hanging out in large groups of people, particularly if that group includes even a small percentage of giggly girls. I don't like the idea of having to become a productive member of society.

That in mind, one might imagine I also wouldn't like another very popular concept, blogging. Really, I don't. Actually I'm not againt blogging itself--I think its a fantastic outlet for intelligent, clever, awesome people (or stupid, dim, boring people) to let their words out. What I don't like is the idea of me taking the time to do something for what will probably be no reason. There are how many blogs online? What percentage of people who write blogs also read blogs? Surely the statistics are against me--nobody's going to encounter this blog.

So, why am I doing it? Very good question, my imaginary reader. I'm doing this because if I don't all these ideas and rants and things in my head will come bursting out late at night in my boyfriend's bed and he'll have to either a) console me while I cry uncontrollably or b) listen to me patiently while I jabber on for hours. I figured I'd start blogging to get them out now and perhaps save him the trouble later.

I don't have anything insightful to say right now, though. I'm just generally a little cranky at the world for having wars, people who kill people, and for taking away Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. But what can you do? So it goes...