The Not Actually All That Late Show with West Dirkerman

HOST: Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome again to the Not Actually All That Late Show, with your host Dirk Westerman. OrWest Dirkerman. I was up too late snorting coke off my favorite hooker to be able to read the damn teleprompter. Ah. West. Thats it. Thats my name. Anyway, we've got a really great show lined up for you guys tonight, don't we Tony.

TONY: (Tony is the trombone player for the Not Actually All That Late Shows in-studio band, Tony and the Weasel Eaters.) We sure do, West.

HOST: Thanks, Tony. You know, I sure do appreciate you on this show, Tony. Without you, I wouldn't have anyone to inevitably agree with everything I say, regardless of what it is. Isn't that right, Tony?

TONY: Sure is, West.

HOST: I mean, I could tell you and our viewing audience that I've decided that feeding babies to puppies is actually a pretty neat idea, and you'd be all gung-ho about it, wouldn't you Tony?

TONY: You betcha, West.

HOST: Well, tonight's guest has been making headlines recently, Lance Bass will be with us today to talk about his big news.

TONY: He's a cyborg?
HOST: No, Tony. It was discovered that Justin Timberlake is a cyborg. Don't speak unless spoken to.

TONY: Sure thing, West.

HOST: So lets bring him out, ladies and gentlemen, Lance Bass!

LANCE: (emerges from behind a curtain stage left) Hi...hello...good to be here

HOST: So Lance, let's talk about this. Word on the street is you are, in fact, a homosexual.

LANCE: That is correct, Dirk.

HOST: West.

LANCE: Whatever.HOST: This is a pretty bold career move, Lance. I mean, some stars whose careers are waning star in reality shows, or write autobiographies, or do nudie magazines. You, however, decided to be gay.LANCE: Well, this wasn't really a career move, Dirk.

HOST: West.

LANCE: Whatever. I mean, I've known for years. I think I've always known. But when you're in an internationally known boy band, you have an image to protect. I had millions of girls out there who wanted a piece of this--I had to do what was best for the band.

HOST: Yes, because clearly N'SYNC was a lasting career choice.

LANCE: Fuck off, West.
HOST: Dirk.

LANCE: Whatever. So now, I'm in a great relationship and feeling really good about my decision.

HOST: Yes, I'd heard about that. Youre seeing a reality show star?

LANCE: Oh, yes. He won season four of The Amazing Race.

HOST: Whats his name?

LANCE: The guy that won season four of The Amazing Race.

HOST: Right. Well, let's talk about this new album you guys have coming out. It is the band, right?

LANCE: Yea, there's not much of a market for solo bass singers after Barry White. So, N'SYNC went back in the studio and we've put out what we think is a really great album. It was tough, getting us all together again. You could sense the tension in the studio sometimes, especially when Justin would bring in his entire former-NFL-quarterbacks entourage. The rest of us had been dropped off by our moms, so we were kind of bitter. But I mean, Justin didn't almost go to space, did he? Nope! That was all me! Score one for the Lance-man! Heh. Heheh.

HOST: I can imagine. Well, the new album is called Recycled Pop Crap, and I hear you've got your own song on it?

LANCE: Thats right. The guys were really gracious about letting me put on a song I'd written about my coming out. Its just one of those songs that came to me, almost like a vision. I think the words are really powerful.

HOST: And youre going to perform it for us, right?

LANCE: Sure, I can do that.

HOST: Well here he is, Lance Bass with his new hit single off N'SYNCs Recycled Pop Crap album, "I'd Love You Baby, But Youre Not a Dude"

(Lance takes a seat on a lone stool in the middle of a darkened stage)

Oooh. Oooh yea.
Wooooah. Wooooah yea.
Baby baby, you know you mean the world to me
When I look at you, you're the only one I see
But baby baby, the two of us can never be
Cuz honey honey, you don't have the parts I need
Oh, Id love you baby, but you're not a dude
I know its harsh babe, and I don't want to be rude
But sugar sugar, I just don't swing that waaaaay
I'm not into you, cuz...woah cuz...I'm definitely attracted to men

Ooooh. Oooh yea.
Woooooah. Wooooah yea.
Oh my darlin', I know that its hard
You might think I'm just tryin' to play the gay card
But I swear it, you know that its true
I'll go shoppin' with you any day...but I just don't love you.
Oh, I'd love you baby, but you're not a dude
I know its harsh babe, and I don't want to be rude
But sugar sugar, I just don't swing that waaaaay
I'm not into you, cuz....woah cuz...WOOOAH CUZ...I'm definitely attracted to men

HOST: I'm impressed. How long did it take you to write that song, Lance?

LANCE: Oh, five...maybe six minutes.

HOST: That long, huh? Well I think its time we bring out our second guest, a sheep.
(a sheep emerges from behind a curtain stage left)

SHEEP: Thanks for having me, West.

LANCE: What? A sheep? What in the hell are you interviewing a sheep for?

HOST: Well this particular sheep just so happens to regularly shear its wool.

SHEEP: Thats true, West. Once or twice a year, Farmer Brown comes along and bzzzzzt! Takes it right off.

HOST: Riveting. Wouldnt you agree, Tony?

TONY: I certainly was riveted, West.

LANCE: This is stupid, West. A sheep that gets its wool sheared? Thats so predicable!

HOST: Yea? And youre a boy band member who just came out of the closet. Think about it.

LANCE: Ah, yes. Well that's very clever.

HOST: Our Nielsen family audiences tested highly with irony and sheep jokes.

SHEEP: I'd just like to say, you're looking very trim these days West.

WEST: Yes, I've been on the South Beach diet for about two weeks now, and I'm really feeling the results. I also think the years of drug addiction might have something to do with it.

SHEEP: The sunken eyes give you an emo look thats very in right now.

WEST: I like to stay hip, Sheep. Well on tonight's show weve got a new segment for you all, its called What the Person Next to Me Says When I Poke Them
(cue segment theme music)

What! What what! What what what!
OOOOH!!
What the person next to me says when I poke them!
(wailing guitar ending)

HOST: Let's take this one out to the audience. Yes, what's your name?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Ah! Heh. Hi! My names Steve.

HOST: So Steve, the person next to you says something pretty funny when you poke them?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yea, its pretty funny West.HOST: Well let's hear it.
(Steve pokes the guy next to him)

GUY: Dude, quit poking me.
(audience laughter)

HOST: hah...hahahahah...Oh man, that is a good one. Who do we have next? (West wanders around the audience) Yes? What's your name?

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Hey! My name is Tiffany and I just want to tell you that I LOVE this show!

HOST: Thanks, Tiffany. So do I. So, what does the person next to you say when you poke them?
(Tiffany pokes girl next to her)

GIRL: Ow, that like, hurt.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: Hehe! If I do it hard enough, sometimes she'll cry!

HOST: Love it, love it. Well, I think thats about all the time we have for our show tonight.
Tony, come over here and give a little bow...you were just great tonight, just great.

TONY: I sure would, West, but you keep me shackled to my music stand.

HOST: Right, right. Forgot about that. But before we go, I gotta ask, Lance. Could you talk in a lisp? Just once?

LANCE: Well, I think its a common misconception that all gay men have lisps. Its simply not true.

HOST: Damn. But you do all own the complete Sex and the City box set, right?

LANCE: Well, yes. That one is true. I think its a law or something.

HOST: Funny stuff. Like I always say, you can't pass Go without buying a hotel.

LANCE: What?

HOST: Goodnight, everybody.